Black Dog Institute Writing Competition essay-Wish me luck!

Glancing down at my red chipped nail polish, I reflect upon the other person that I once was and how I would obsess about my appearance. Before motherhood I was at the top of my game as a corporate trainer at Chanel where image was everything, especially well groomed nails. How things have changed since the birth of my second child.

In 2009 after an emotionally challenging pregnancy during a time when my husbands business copped a big blow due to the GFC, losing a significant amount of money, enough to nearly send us under financially. Also feeling isolated from my family interstate, I began to recognise that having my second child would not be as blissful an experience as my first.

The full magnitude hit when we received the news that we needed to move out of our rental home when my daughter was just 3 weeks old, as the owners were also in financial straights and had to sell. Adjusting to having two children, being isolated, my husband working long hours and unable to pay any bills, it all compounded and my anxiety attacks set in. If it weren’t for a dear friend who had 2 young children recognising the symptoms of PND and insomnia, I probably wouldn’t have taken myself to the early childhood nurse. But I was lucky to follow her heed as I was diagnosed with PND straight away. My world and the way I saw myself came crumbling down.

There was a period I call the ‘in between’ where I was unconscious of the full extent of my PND and was just getting by every day, putting on a happy face to the world, choosing to remain silent about the inner turmoil and to an extent numbed myself of the pain with denial and focussed on my baby girl instead. This seemed to work for a short period of time. I was unaware, however, that my husband was himself dealing with depression. He had chosen to “shield” me from the true state of our financial pressures by not telling me what was really going on. Because of his depression, he could not bring himself to face these financial issues, which of course made matters worse. This would only serve to delay and magnify the inevitable stress on our individual selves and as a couple.

Even though we have come so far in confronting the stigma around PND there is still a striek of judgment that silently runs through the back vein of our Western society today. This makes it even harder when we look at where celebrities are seen to be losing their baby weight and back at work within weeks, and where mothers are trying to emulate them. I believe that the Media has a lot to do with creating this unrealistic perception, which then fuels other Mother’s to expect that from each other.

Also there is the ‘Mummy Wars’ that can breed a sense of fear about being vulnerable and open from your heart, and to allow the time and space for the healing to take place from the inside. We live in an increasingly fast paced and mechanised world where little time is dedicated to connecting from the heart and being open, real and vulnerable with another. Mothers groups are fantastic, but there is still to a degree a clique culture that goes on there too. So what I believe is there needs to be a return to real women’s circles so we can heal these issues within ourselves as Mothers and Women, where there is an absolute absence of judgement.

My councillor, who I saw once a month over a period of a year, tested me on the Endimbrough scale. On one hand I found the questions were a good way for me to gauge how I was progressing or regressing, however, I also found them to be quite limiting and left some grey areas.

It’s an interesting phrase that we call our ‘coping mechanism’ toward our current emotional situation. The word ‘cope’ has a certain edge to it, as though you are blocking something. When I used to say ‘I’m not coping’ I couldn’t allow myself to fully feel or open up and express, I felt I was putting on a block to those feelings. Similarly, the word ‘mechanism’ as I said before that we live in an increasingly mechanised world that is devoid of true intimacy and open hearted connection, which can allow for feelings to flow freely and be expressed completely. This is the way it is done in other cultures, especially in the East where in some traditions they celebrate this time as a prelude to an awakening, of clarity and a greater purpose and being of service.

Looking at the depression epidemic from a personal perspective, and also from a global perspective, having spent 8 years studying Metaphysics and personal development, I can see there are vast changes going on at an increasingly rapid rate in the world. On one hand I strongly agree that we need to make some drastic changes with the way we live our lives so we can have a healthy image of ourselves, and on the other I also agree that we still need medicine in some situations so mothers can manage their healing process in a more controlled way, especially if returning to work.

When I was offered Anti-Depressants by my councillor, I refused. Simply for the fact that I knew that from past experience the medication only numbed you, delaying the healing of what’s surfaced from the inside. I chose consciously instead to face whatever it was that needed healing and put all my pain and anger behind the iron bars at the gym, I screamed into pillows, meditated, wrote in a journal, cried a river if tears and hid from the world.

During my time ‘in the cave’ I began to take responsibility for all the stuff I had swept under the carpet, this is where the magic happened. I describe it as like going through the eye of a needle. During this period of going through a big squeeze from the inside out, I identified that I needed help, which I got from other different angles, and I took control. As well as my councillor I was twice a week seeing a Chiropractor who practiced Applied Kinesiology. As we store our emotional and physical pain a lot in our backs, I was able to consciously become aware of the emotional related issues through muscle testing, which mostly had to do with my heart, or love in relationships. I also practiced Yoga, had Acupuncture, Massage and Breath Work. This helped tremendously as well as the help from my councillor with use of cognitive therapy. I know that this combination worked because I am now the strongest I have ever been.

So I believe that there needs to be more of a balance between Western Psychology and medical solutions, and integrate it with more of the Eastern solutions that take into account the Human Energy System also. And that it is done in a supportive and controlled environment for the safety of the person.

Coming out of the cave was a huge step for me, as the person I was before PND I would be the one who would always wear the mask, pretending that everything was ok and I am in control, I was also ashamed of anyone knowing that I had PND. I went through a tremendous internal shift from the Inside Out during this time, as I looked at myself on the Inside with brutal honesty for the first time, I realised that what lay beyond and beneath all my issues about self image were the hidden gems that I had also kept secret. I realised that the image I used to portray wasn’t really me, and that when I found after the clearing, the gems were my gifts that I am now sharing with the world as a result of my experience with PND.

I have founded INSIDE OUT BEAUTY and run workshops for women. It is my absolute passion and life’s calling to help other women through the internal shift from the inside, to turn ourselves inside out is to be courageous and authentic. It is my dream and one wish in life that I create this internal shift for as many women (and men) as possible around the world, as what I have discovered is that truth and beauty come from within, not from the glamorous glossy pages of a magazine, or from what the latest celebrities are wearing.

It is our God given birthright to be happy and whole people, and that can be achieved by confronting and releasing these issues we have within us that prevent us from seeing ourselves as being already perfect, not the kind of perfect that is in the magazines. And as I reflect upon the last two years, today being my daughters second birthday, life is more beautiful then ever before.

A dream made real, celebrate with me!

Its official, after years in the making the dream is real!.

The second of two workshops pictured here, where beautiful women came to be empowered and to experience some amazing shifts in the way that they see themselves inside and out!

I am so humbled and inspired by the participants with their openness and willingness to be vulnerable and courageous at the same time.

Here is some of the feedback from the recent participants;

"This workshop is essential for every woman, especially those who like me have become conditioned for success in the current world. Corporate powerhouse women, this course will allow you to tap into your real power. This is the beginning of a journey!".

Monique, Business relationship Manager & Mother

"Today, first and foremost was a lot of fun! I enjoyed indulging in my femininity within a space that encouraged self-expression."

Carolyn, Naturopath and Model de Jour!

"I gained a deeper understanding of myself and how I have held myself back. A seed that has been planted to explore my femininity on a deeper level".

Melinda, Naturopath & Metaphysician

We began to discover the Sacred Feminine within, became anchored within our Well of Unique Wisdom, connected with our Life's Purpose, sharpened our Raw Materials and Busted & Built new images inside and out.

It was an intense day where all grew in self awareness and consciousness, as well as having some great fun with learning about make-up application too. Good serious fun!!

Who ever said you could'nt be fun and serious at the same time????

The next workshop will be held on Saturday 27th November at The Intuitive Well, Bondi Junction. Invitation coming shortly, any expressions of interest please email me at nicole@insideoutbeauty.com.au.

One final word from Albert Einstein;

"Imagination is more important than knowledge"

Love Light and Beauty,

Nicole

Coming out of 'The Cave'

Today I have decided to throw caution to the wind, yes that wind. It came to me last night sitting in bed awake unable to sleep because of the howling winds and rain pelting upon my south facing bedroom window. It came to me loud and clear, literally! So what is it exactly you ask, that I am throwing to the wind, abandoning such caution?

I want to challenge my fear of being judged. Why? Because it is one of my greatest fears and I want to grow beyond it, I want to ‘bring to light’ those frightened aspects of myself inside, and by doing so eliminating darkness.

So what have I been in the dark about you may ask? Many, many things, in fact I have been in the dark for the last 2 years. It is a time in my life that I refer to as being ‘in the cave’, and also a time which was the most critical time of my spiritual growth where I dealt with everything that I had ever swept under the carpet, or also known as my ‘shadow’.

After the birth of our baby girl last year, I had what is known as Post Natal Depression from a consensus perspective, but spiritually known as The Dark Night of the Soul. A time of deep soul trauma where you are alone, in the dark, feel disconnected from God, facing constant borage of fears and doubts. Not knowing who you are, where you are going or what you are doing, and in my case was accompanied by severe panic attacks or also known as anxiety.

Looking at it from an evolutionary perspective This was the best year of my life, and I absolutely celebrate this time and am totally grateful . I grew exponentially, I cried a river of tears, I put all my anger and pain behind the iron bars at the gym, saw a councillor, refused antidepressants, screamed into pillows and hid from the world.

When I chose to become conscious of the process and saw it as an opportunity for me to grow, that is when the magic began. Why? Because I knew that on some level I had created it, for many years of studying spirituality and metaphysics I had been asking to grow and evolve, so this was it, the making of me.

In the west we have a tendency to run away from such inner pain and turmoil, however in the east they embrace it, that is where I learnt how to deal with my pain. The Buddhist Monks celebrate this time and in fact say that those who are going through a dark night of the soul are lucky. I can speak from experience when I say, that looking at it from a conscious perspective and taking responsibility for what we have created within our own pain, it is the most incredible, magical opportunity. Because from the darkness comes the light. There beyond the shadows, what lies beneath are where the hidden gems reside and they are there waiting, always were and always will be, and that is the grand secret that they don’t want you to know about, because when you awake to the true magnificence of who you truly are, you are less easily controlled. You are empowered.

So now as I step out of my cave, and I have weathered the storm, I stand clear and strong with a vision to share and help others through their own shifts, and the journey from ‘Inside’ to ‘outside’ and back again is the most beautiful unfolding, just like the flower of life. And despite more fears of stepping out more, I have a strength & resolve, I am equipped like never before.

To those of you who are going through it I honour you for your courage.

Love light and Beauty,

Nicole

Life turned Inside Out

Never before have I been so exhausted, worn, stretched and queezed, juggling motherhood, a fast unfolding life purpose and trying to keep up with my husband let alone my girlfriends…. Yet never before have I been more clear, aligned, abundant with ideas, creative, expressive and deeply connected with a real sense of meaning. I feel like ive been pulled inside out, which is kind of a good thing. Like I said at the beginning of the journey that I would use myself as a ‘spiritual gunea pig’. I was always the person who was trying to ‘keep it all together’, or at least appear as if.

The truth is I am just like you and anyone else, and sometimes I think it would be so much easier to go back to sleep, you know like in the Matrix? The blue or the red pill? Yes sometimes I wish I took the blue pill. But mostly I don’t, the pay offs are worth it 100 fold. It’s the most challenging path but yet the most rewarding

one.

The thing that dawns on me is that with this kind of work comes with extra challenges to test your strength, patience, commitment. As a woman I agree it takes resilience, and also a knowing of when to stop giving. Now is a moment for me to stop.

So in this world there are a lot of paradoxes, the deeper meaning behind ‘Inside Out’, this week I have begun to look at things from an inside out perspective, or opposites, like your looking at your life in the mirror. My philosophy and inherent belief is that life unfolds from the inside out, and being someone who used to try and hold it together, or hold it in, the amount of energy it took me to keep it in on top of everything else im juggling reached a threshold and there I reached a tipping point. So in a nutshell the amount of energy it took to hold it in become less than the force behind it which ultimately was the unfolding of my life purpose and Inside Out Beauty, and the birth of my authentic self. Joy Brugh calls it the “Avalanche”. The ‘inside out’ of that situation was that in my effort to hold it all together, it all came unravelling apart along with everything I held onto in my life. What a ride!

For this I am eternally grateful, for getting out of my own way and getting onto my true path. Yet somehow I get the feeling that there is a long way to go and a few quantum leaps to occur, but im prepared.

If you are feeling like this inside I want to hear from you, am I alone in this space? I want to challenge the role that women play in this current day and how you all feel about it? Are you satisfied? Are you fed up?

Love light and beauty

Nicole

The Beauty of Femininity and Surrender

Since the last instalment, it has been quite a journey indeed. This process has taken me twice as long to come to the clarity and awareness of what my next blog is about. I got stuck in trying to make it happen, which of course goes against my intention of this very journey and process of writing about my spiritual quest for growth and change. And that is something which you definitely cannot make happen or force, because of its very nature it IS a force to which we need to surrender and that requires humility.

If you truly intend something , you cant make it happen. You are the instrument that CREATES the intention, and the universe chooses which cords to play, or how it is played out in your life. And if you don’t create or choose an intention consciously, the universe will create something for you to show you.

It is a surrendering which requires faith, trust and patience, so it has been a lesson within a lesson. To have trust in myself that I will know what it is I am to write about. How will I know? When I am crystal clear about it. The moment I realised was whilst watching a young woman being interviewed on DR Phil, who was so beautiful in the way that she was articulating so clearly from feeling and truth in a way beyond her years. Clear truth is timeless and beautiful.

It also requires patience to wait for the right time, or for the moment of clarity and not just do it because I felt I had to do it once a week. I became so hard on myself for not knowing because the first three blogs just happened that way. So as a result I tried to force a blog and began writing about self worth instead but it just wasn’t happening because it wasn’t clear and didn’t flow. Another lesson within a lesson!

So surrendering to the flow in life and to be clear about the truth within you is represented as true beauty when you express that part of you. So how this relates to femininity and being a woman is very relevant because as women we are the most in touch with the cycles of life, in nature and the planets. In fact it is interesting to note that this all happened at the peak time of the full moon, lunar eclipse and shortly before the partial solar eclipse which happens only every 18 years which relates to radical change.

We have become masculine in many ways, by trying to make things happen, our world and society has become that way and so have we as women. What does that mean??? So, yes go out there and make your dreams happen, but be open and aware to the signs if things don’t happen or aren’t working out. My sign was that the internet and my emails were freezed up, yet still I tried to make it happen. (That’s my female chauvinism!)

So where in your life now are you not listening to or paying attention to the signs? What have you repeatedly been trying to do to make it happen but keep coming up against roadblocks? What are the subtle messages behind this and how could you do it differently, or at all????

This is how the great change within our world begins, and it all starts with YOU. Life and beauty unfolds from the inside out. And this relates to both women and men. But as women you have the advantage of naturally having these gifts, that is why the Dali Lama said that “the world will be saved by the western woman”, because we are equipped to make things happen AND have the biological make up to know and be in touch with WHAT to make happen. Both the masculine and the feminine (you will learn more on that at the September workshop).

So what is it that you want to make happen now? How can you be the change that you wish to see in the world?

Secure your place for the 4^th September Inside Out beauty workshop at the Intuitive Well Bondi Junction 12-5pm. 10 places only available with more workshop dates to be released. Invitation coming shortly. Email expressions of interest to nicole@insideoutbeauty.com.au

Until the next instalment along the journey I wish you patience, faith, surrender, clarity and truth.

Love Light and Beauty,

Nicole

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

It is a funny thing that when we are in pain or struggling deeply with our own fears and insecurities, that is when we are more inclined to run for the hills so to speak, or run away from the source of the dilemma, that is outside ourselves. We are very good at distracting ourselves, procrastinating and blaming. True power lies within and beneath this stuff which I will call S.H.I.T.

This week I had my own experience with S.H.I.T, I am always grateful after the experience, why? Its painful at the time but having gone through it, you come to a place and space of reward called clarity. My teacher and mentor affectionately calls it ‘seeing the diamond in the tird’.

A diamond is created through immense pressure and heat over a period of time, and so it is the same with us and our own lives. We are all constantly under pressure of our own issues (S.H.I.T), feeling the heat and after a while we begin to see where we are responsible for our own pain. A diamond is strong, clear and brilliant. In the journey of wallowing in my S.H.I.T this week (ala Miss Piggy), I eventually saw beyond it to find strength within myself, that it was all just a cover up and catalyst to help me to become clear about my truth, and that I am brilliant and strong. I saw the diamond in my tird.

A personal story is that over the years of doing my mastery courses, I have had 3 experiences where I have received the message that I am a crystal. Twice from other people and once during deep meditation where I came out and immediately drew a picture of it. I now keep it to remind me when I forget. So it has become my personal mission in life to keep the crystal clear and clean by mediating, doing yoga/exercise and writing. By doing this I can see my own truth and power so I can shine that light more consciously in my world and help others to do the same, to be their reminder.

Crystals are symmetric and balanced, or represent HARMONY. When we are in harmony with our dreams and purpose, things fall into place. I notice that when I am in harmony with my own truth, and I am feeling good and energized, wherever I go I see lights go out, and there is a synchronicity in my world where people, places and events fall effortlessly into place. Where I am aligned with my truth there is a zone of support, strength and brilliance.

How do we get to that place? First we must realize that there must be discords in order to achieve harmony, so by taking ownership of your S.H.I.T you will be rewarded (no, not the poo bar!) with clarity of your gifts, strengths and brilliance. Just like I was S.H.I.T scared of what people would think of my brilliance.

Q-What is it that you need to be clear about at the moment, really? Q-What are the hidden strengths behind it that you have been hiding, or what pressure have you created in your life that is helping you to be clear of your truth and power? Q-How does this empower you to shine those gifts in your life and show your brilliance?

So the point is to LOVE your shit, BLESS your shit and THANK you shit every day for allowing it to teach you how you have not been the diamond and the light unto yourself.

I will leave you with this final affirmation;

“At the heart of the matter we are all diamonds”

Love light and beauty,

Nicole

Perfection v's Perfectionism

It has been the most incredible week of my life. I had so much resistance to ‘baring my soul’ and revealing whom I truly am all about with the first blog, because I was afraid people will judge me and discover that I am different. But guess what? I AM. It is known as soul calling, grace, reverence, rebirth, LOVE, synchronicity, divine intervention, shift in resonance, celestial alignment, whatever it is, I have found it within me and I am in love with LIFE. It seems that life is in love with me too, 3am blogging after the baby wakes and cant get back to sleep. If this keeps up you will see me with packed on concealer in September.

I am a perfectionist, have always been. But now I’m converted into the perfection camp. Firstly, what is the difference? Perfectionism is this constructed idea that we need to have everything looking or appearing in order, just right. Yet the paradox is that everything is perfect as it is anyway. The truth is that there is an underlying innate order and perfection within everything and everyone. So when I used to spend hours getting ready to go out, trying so hard to co-ordinate every detail, I would get stuck and frustrated within myself because in my mind I could never look good enough or be satisfied with my image. Even to the point of almost just giving up and not going anywhere.

And that is the flaw with perfectionism, it’s a human made contrived idea of image where we are told how to look by someone else. We as women, and men also use this ideal image in the beauty and fashion magazines as a benchmark to aspire to (more on that later).

Yet perfection needs no benchmarks nor standards in order for it to be appreciated, it just is an inherent order of the flow of life. I would naturally gravitate towards colours that make me feel good inside and out, so why wouldn’t I wear them? Fashion and belonging. We have been led away from trusting our own instincts and replaced it with a false sense of ‘fitting in’ and belonging to the consensus. If we fully trusted in ourselves 100% then we would feel a deep sense of belonging. For example, I have never felt such a sense of belonging and trust since beginning this blogging process, I am the happiest, chirpiest and bounciest I have been since childhood. Why? Because I am totally aligned with my dream and purpose. That doesn’t mean im throwing out my wardrobe either! I’m just more conscious about what makes me feel good.

So therein lies the truth about perfection, if you trust in your own instincts about what you should wear because it makes you feel good inside and out according to your mood, its sort of a tailor self made fashion statement, which gives you permission to be more of who you are and allows you to tune in to your authenticity, therefore are more able to shine your own light on the world. And that is the order of perfection, everyone being their unique selves sharing an authentic experience together instead of a forced, and sometimes uncomfortable image that just doesn’t fit. With too many perfectionists together trying to stand out and be different, and act different, but they are all just the same which is ironic. (I used to be one!)

As of today make a commitment to begin dressing in clothes that make you feel good inside and out, whatever works for you. Wear your secret favorite perfume, do your hair and make-up the way you feel. Then do two things;

#1 Begin to notice how you feel.

#2 Notice how you feel about other people noticing you being different (comments on blog welcome!)

It takes so much more energy when we are trying to make something happen that is not in sync with what we are about, when we let go and allow the natural flow of who we are to be expressed there is a perfection, ease and elegance, and that you can not buy or copy.

“When a woman falls in love with the magnificence if who she is inside and out, so does the rest of the world”

Love light and beauty,

Nicole