Today I have decided to throw caution to the wind, yes that wind. It came to me last night sitting in bed awake unable to sleep because of the howling winds and rain pelting upon my south facing bedroom window. It came to me loud and clear, literally! So what is it exactly you ask, that I am throwing to the wind, abandoning such caution?
I want to challenge my fear of being judged. Why? Because it is one of my greatest fears and I want to grow beyond it, I want to ‘bring to light’ those frightened aspects of myself inside, and by doing so eliminating darkness.
So what have I been in the dark about you may ask? Many, many things, in fact I have been in the dark for the last 2 years. It is a time in my life that I refer to as being ‘in the cave’, and also a time which was the most critical time of my spiritual growth where I dealt with everything that I had ever swept under the carpet, or also known as my ‘shadow’.
After the birth of our baby girl last year, I had what is known as Post Natal Depression from a consensus perspective, but spiritually known as The Dark Night of the Soul. A time of deep soul trauma where you are alone, in the dark, feel disconnected from God, facing constant borage of fears and doubts. Not knowing who you are, where you are going or what you are doing, and in my case was accompanied by severe panic attacks or also known as anxiety.
Looking at it from an evolutionary perspective This was the best year of my life, and I absolutely celebrate this time and am totally grateful . I grew exponentially, I cried a river of tears, I put all my anger and pain behind the iron bars at the gym, saw a councillor, refused antidepressants, screamed into pillows and hid from the world.
When I chose to become conscious of the process and saw it as an opportunity for me to grow, that is when the magic began. Why? Because I knew that on some level I had created it, for many years of studying spirituality and metaphysics I had been asking to grow and evolve, so this was it, the making of me.
In the west we have a tendency to run away from such inner pain and turmoil, however in the east they embrace it, that is where I learnt how to deal with my pain. The Buddhist Monks celebrate this time and in fact say that those who are going through a dark night of the soul are lucky. I can speak from experience when I say, that looking at it from a conscious perspective and taking responsibility for what we have created within our own pain, it is the most incredible, magical opportunity. Because from the darkness comes the light. There beyond the shadows, what lies beneath are where the hidden gems reside and they are there waiting, always were and always will be, and that is the grand secret that they don’t want you to know about, because when you awake to the true magnificence of who you truly are, you are less easily controlled. You are empowered.
So now as I step out of my cave, and I have weathered the storm, I stand clear and strong with a vision to share and help others through their own shifts, and the journey from ‘Inside’ to ‘outside’ and back again is the most beautiful unfolding, just like the flower of life. And despite more fears of stepping out more, I have a strength & resolve, I am equipped like never before.
To those of you who are going through it I honour you for your courage.
Love light and Beauty,
Nicole
