Black Dog Institute Writing Competition essay-Wish me luck!

Glancing down at my red chipped nail polish, I reflect upon the other person that I once was and how I would obsess about my appearance. Before motherhood I was at the top of my game as a corporate trainer at Chanel where image was everything, especially well groomed nails. How things have changed since the birth of my second child.

In 2009 after an emotionally challenging pregnancy during a time when my husbands business copped a big blow due to the GFC, losing a significant amount of money, enough to nearly send us under financially. Also feeling isolated from my family interstate, I began to recognise that having my second child would not be as blissful an experience as my first.

The full magnitude hit when we received the news that we needed to move out of our rental home when my daughter was just 3 weeks old, as the owners were also in financial straights and had to sell. Adjusting to having two children, being isolated, my husband working long hours and unable to pay any bills, it all compounded and my anxiety attacks set in. If it weren’t for a dear friend who had 2 young children recognising the symptoms of PND and insomnia, I probably wouldn’t have taken myself to the early childhood nurse. But I was lucky to follow her heed as I was diagnosed with PND straight away. My world and the way I saw myself came crumbling down.

There was a period I call the ‘in between’ where I was unconscious of the full extent of my PND and was just getting by every day, putting on a happy face to the world, choosing to remain silent about the inner turmoil and to an extent numbed myself of the pain with denial and focussed on my baby girl instead. This seemed to work for a short period of time. I was unaware, however, that my husband was himself dealing with depression. He had chosen to “shield” me from the true state of our financial pressures by not telling me what was really going on. Because of his depression, he could not bring himself to face these financial issues, which of course made matters worse. This would only serve to delay and magnify the inevitable stress on our individual selves and as a couple.

Even though we have come so far in confronting the stigma around PND there is still a striek of judgment that silently runs through the back vein of our Western society today. This makes it even harder when we look at where celebrities are seen to be losing their baby weight and back at work within weeks, and where mothers are trying to emulate them. I believe that the Media has a lot to do with creating this unrealistic perception, which then fuels other Mother’s to expect that from each other.

Also there is the ‘Mummy Wars’ that can breed a sense of fear about being vulnerable and open from your heart, and to allow the time and space for the healing to take place from the inside. We live in an increasingly fast paced and mechanised world where little time is dedicated to connecting from the heart and being open, real and vulnerable with another. Mothers groups are fantastic, but there is still to a degree a clique culture that goes on there too. So what I believe is there needs to be a return to real women’s circles so we can heal these issues within ourselves as Mothers and Women, where there is an absolute absence of judgement.

My councillor, who I saw once a month over a period of a year, tested me on the Endimbrough scale. On one hand I found the questions were a good way for me to gauge how I was progressing or regressing, however, I also found them to be quite limiting and left some grey areas.

It’s an interesting phrase that we call our ‘coping mechanism’ toward our current emotional situation. The word ‘cope’ has a certain edge to it, as though you are blocking something. When I used to say ‘I’m not coping’ I couldn’t allow myself to fully feel or open up and express, I felt I was putting on a block to those feelings. Similarly, the word ‘mechanism’ as I said before that we live in an increasingly mechanised world that is devoid of true intimacy and open hearted connection, which can allow for feelings to flow freely and be expressed completely. This is the way it is done in other cultures, especially in the East where in some traditions they celebrate this time as a prelude to an awakening, of clarity and a greater purpose and being of service.

Looking at the depression epidemic from a personal perspective, and also from a global perspective, having spent 8 years studying Metaphysics and personal development, I can see there are vast changes going on at an increasingly rapid rate in the world. On one hand I strongly agree that we need to make some drastic changes with the way we live our lives so we can have a healthy image of ourselves, and on the other I also agree that we still need medicine in some situations so mothers can manage their healing process in a more controlled way, especially if returning to work.

When I was offered Anti-Depressants by my councillor, I refused. Simply for the fact that I knew that from past experience the medication only numbed you, delaying the healing of what’s surfaced from the inside. I chose consciously instead to face whatever it was that needed healing and put all my pain and anger behind the iron bars at the gym, I screamed into pillows, meditated, wrote in a journal, cried a river if tears and hid from the world.

During my time ‘in the cave’ I began to take responsibility for all the stuff I had swept under the carpet, this is where the magic happened. I describe it as like going through the eye of a needle. During this period of going through a big squeeze from the inside out, I identified that I needed help, which I got from other different angles, and I took control. As well as my councillor I was twice a week seeing a Chiropractor who practiced Applied Kinesiology. As we store our emotional and physical pain a lot in our backs, I was able to consciously become aware of the emotional related issues through muscle testing, which mostly had to do with my heart, or love in relationships. I also practiced Yoga, had Acupuncture, Massage and Breath Work. This helped tremendously as well as the help from my councillor with use of cognitive therapy. I know that this combination worked because I am now the strongest I have ever been.

So I believe that there needs to be more of a balance between Western Psychology and medical solutions, and integrate it with more of the Eastern solutions that take into account the Human Energy System also. And that it is done in a supportive and controlled environment for the safety of the person.

Coming out of the cave was a huge step for me, as the person I was before PND I would be the one who would always wear the mask, pretending that everything was ok and I am in control, I was also ashamed of anyone knowing that I had PND. I went through a tremendous internal shift from the Inside Out during this time, as I looked at myself on the Inside with brutal honesty for the first time, I realised that what lay beyond and beneath all my issues about self image were the hidden gems that I had also kept secret. I realised that the image I used to portray wasn’t really me, and that when I found after the clearing, the gems were my gifts that I am now sharing with the world as a result of my experience with PND.

I have founded INSIDE OUT BEAUTY and run workshops for women. It is my absolute passion and life’s calling to help other women through the internal shift from the inside, to turn ourselves inside out is to be courageous and authentic. It is my dream and one wish in life that I create this internal shift for as many women (and men) as possible around the world, as what I have discovered is that truth and beauty come from within, not from the glamorous glossy pages of a magazine, or from what the latest celebrities are wearing.

It is our God given birthright to be happy and whole people, and that can be achieved by confronting and releasing these issues we have within us that prevent us from seeing ourselves as being already perfect, not the kind of perfect that is in the magazines. And as I reflect upon the last two years, today being my daughters second birthday, life is more beautiful then ever before.